June 10th is my anniversary, my former
anniversary, my ex-anniversary.
It’s hard not to notice dates. It’s hard not to think about what it means to
you. It’s hard not to remember that one
June 10th, in 2000, we got married.
I have pictures. I have
certificates. I even have framed
needlepoints that people lovingly made for us to remember that day. And I have memories. I remember that he cried as I walked down the
aisle of the church. I remember that at
the end of that day, we laughed hysterically as we went through the Wendy’s drive-thru because we were starved.
And yet, it’s easy enough to tuck the memories back in your
brain. But, what to do with the actual,
physical items commemorating my failed marriage? It doesn’t seem like these are things I
should just throw out, like they were trash.
They were important to me for a long time. But keeping them doesn’t seem right
either. They remind me of how things
fell apart and that makes me sad. I
have been trying to move on and live a happier, healthier life. I need to part from these tokens of grief.
This is what led me to “the burning.” I decided that I needed to dispose of my
wedding memories in some sort of ceremonial fashion – a burning. Tonight, I will build a fire in my fire pit
and I will burn some of these mementos, not in anger, but simply as a way to
send them off into the universe. That
way, I can truly let go of these items and the memories that go with them. Will it still be sad? Of course.
Will it require drinking some wine?
Definitely. The letting go is
hard, but necessary for the new journey.
Will I ever truly forget? No.
And I don’t want to forget it all.
There was happiness there too.
There was goodness that day. But
if I can let go of some of it, it will let go of me too. And then, I can look to the future and start working on my new life and create my own new happiness.
The person I was in 2000 is quite different from who I am now, having lived through a lot of pain since then. In a way, I wish I could tell that old me from 2000 what to do differently, but living through that pain made me who I am today and I like that person quite a bit. She is strong and resilient and loves herself. I am ready to move on and have been -- physically, mentally, emotionally. New, happy memories await.
The person I was in 2000 is quite different from who I am now, having lived through a lot of pain since then. In a way, I wish I could tell that old me from 2000 what to do differently, but living through that pain made me who I am today and I like that person quite a bit. She is strong and resilient and loves herself. I am ready to move on and have been -- physically, mentally, emotionally. New, happy memories await.
Thank you for this. I remember 31 years ago after 17 years. I had to leave to get healthy and survive. All I could do was remember to breath, get up and force myself to go to work. Then Camp Luther came into my life (a life savor). After time hurt and scars healed and I was able to move on past all of the past. I am like you a much different person today and I also love & respect her greatly. I'm happy you to are in a much better place. Take care my friend. Love you, Maci
ReplyDeleteI always knew that you had gone through some rough stuff, but I didn't really understand it until now. I am happy that you have been able to move on to a happier life also. <3
DeleteDates are weird, especially the first year. I ended up donating my dress to a group that uses donated dresses to fundraise for other women but I never figured out what to do with my ring. It's tucked away in my safe deposit box. My divorce was 6 years ago and now I notice dates but that's all, I don't know if I'll ever not notice them but that's OK. I do publicly acknowledge and celebrate my divorciversary though :) cheers to you my friend, you are not alone. Mandie
ReplyDeleteThanks. It has been therapeutic to write about it, but I definitely have learned that I am not alone. I like the dress idea. I may have to investigate that myself.
DeleteMy mother once told me to "Save YourSelf." You have. And, no, dear, you are not alone. Never alone. But as I have just written in French without having read this, you have your life in FRONT of you, not behind you. Life it. Embrace it. Love it.
ReplyDeleteOh, dear! LIVE IT!
ReplyDelete