Juli Rauch 2.0

This summer, my divorce was finalized after nearly a year-long separation from my husband.  This was the end of a long-term relationship that I thought would be forever, but life circumstances led to its sad demise.  And it was truly sad for me, but divorce is complicated and it can be a relief, happy, sad and miserable all at the same time.  At work, I had to fill out paperwork that was entitled, “Major Life Event.”  Yes, it definitely was a major life event and it really got me to thinking about my identity – who was I now?

One of the big decisions I needed to make was what name I was going to use.  Since I don’t have any kids, it didn’t seem like it was necessary to keep my married name.  So, I decided to use my maiden name again (even though it is clearly difficult for anyone to pronounce, which I had forgotten).  After our court date, when things were official, I spent a lot of time on the phone, online and sending mail to get back my identity.  I was going to be Juli Rauch again.  Sort of.

One of the other things that I have been doing this summer is working with a personal trainer, whom I have worked with before, off and on.  She has known me for a while.  After working together for several weeks, she remarked to me that she could tell a difference in me this time, that I was working harder and was more determined.  She told me, “Juli Rauch is different than Juli Porter was.”  And I thought about that for a while.   Yes, she is. 

Juli Rauch was who I was for the first 27 years of my life.  Then, I was Juli Porter for 16 years.  During that time, a lot of things happened -- difficult, unhappy things, which ended up changing who I was.  I was living with someone with an addiction, which, if you have never experienced it, is a pretty hellish way to live.  As the non-addict, you spend a lot of time worrying about what disaster is going to happen next and trying to “manage” the catastrophes as they happen.  It’s exhausting, stressful and anxiety-laden.  On top of that, I received a surprise diagnosis of breast cancer.  So, my already crisis-driven life became a true disaster.  To say that those experiences affected me is an understatement.  But, what is surprising to me is that instead of letting them pull me down and destroy me, I finally learned how to let go of them, so that I could live a happy life.  Those experiences still remain with me just enough to remind me that I am a strong person and I can handle anything.  Not much will be harder than what I’ve already experienced.  What has changed in me is that I am so much more thankful and happy for the people and experiences in my life.  And I strive everyday to make life more positive for others.  I’ve been in the unhappy places – they’re no place to be. 

So, I kept thinking about being Juli Rauch again.  But as much as Juli Rauch is different from Juli Porter, the Juli Rauch of today is also different from who she was before.  The new Juli Rauch feels light since she has known heavy burdens.  She is joyful since she has known sorrow.  Now, I feel like I am back to being authentically myself, but I know that I am different too, new and improved – Juli Rauch 2.0.