Kindness Still Matters: Truth and Healing

The more I tell the truth and the more I tell my story, I find that there are many people who have a similar story and have been through similar pain. Some of these people are people that I’ve known for years, but I just never knew what they had been through.   My openness about my life seems to draw those stories out.  And I have had a lot of deep, important conversations with people this last year because of it.  Sometimes I think I am probably over-sharing, but telling the truth has been a way for me to heal.   I spent so many years hiding my truth from my family and my friends and it was just destroying me.  Facing the truth and telling the truth have changed me and it has freed my soul from that pain.  Every day, I feel a little bit happier and healthier.  But there are a lot of other people living with hidden pain.  I am convinced more than ever that addiction and mental illness are our worst health issues today.  Unlike many illnesses, these affect whole families.  If you have family members with mental illnesses or addictions, life is often unpredictable and difficult, but especially when added to the holidays.

This year, for several weeks before Christmas, my church, along with another local church, had a community outreach program for families with someone in recovery.  It included a dinner and programming for the families.  These are families that have been torn apart by addictions and are working to get their lives and families back together.  As this is a topic close to my heart these days, I attended to see if I could help out in any way.  To my surprise, one of my own students was there with her family.  This particular student is one of my favorites this year.  She is so sweet, very quiet, but comes to talk to me frequently after class.  She draws pictures for me and even wrote me a beautiful thank you note for Thanksgiving.  But as much as I feel like I know this kid and have connected with her at school, I had no idea that she was dealing with the chaos and confusion that come with having an addict in the family.  That first night, I spent some time talking to her and her family, hoping that it wasn’t too awkward for her with me being there.  From my experience, I understand that you don’t really want people to know what craziness is going on in your life -- you keep lots of secrets. So, I spent time talking with others as well and trying to help the families with their craft projects.  That night, they were making Christmas trees out of wood and yarn and decorating them.   Before she left, my student came up to me and gave me her Christmas tree. She wanted me to have it and she gave me a hug. I was glad to know that she was OK with me being there.  And now that I know more of her truth, I am amazed even more with her ability to show kindness and generosity.

I have had a few times recently, on a couple of really bad days, when I was at the end of my rope, questioning why bad things were happening to me.  If nothing else good comes from me living through my own life’s chaos and confusion, at least maybe I have gained the empathy and kindness needed to understand people going through the same or similar situations.  Maybe this kid senses that in me and so we have made a connection. 

This Christmas, I am sending my positive thoughts and prayers to these families in recovery, because it is really easy for things to fall apart completely.   As I keep learning, you truly never know what someone is going through in his or her life because they may not tell you or show it.  But this is why kindness matters. 

Recovered Joy: Stars, Santas and Christmas Trees All Over

I am a complete optimist, always have been -- an extremely positive person.  When I was a little kid, I used to always say to people who seemed upset – “Don’t be sad.  Be Happy.  Enjoy Yourself." I always try to make the best out of a bad situation.  But I have to admit that the thought of Christmas coming this year was starting to get me down.  I imagined me sitting alone in my house, with a Christmas tree full of sad memories. I used to not believe that people could be sad on Christmas, but I get it now.  It’s hard to overcome the loss of people in your life.  And Christmas, with its many traditions, points out that loss even more.

But I love Christmas.  Actually, I love all holidays and I come by that love naturally – it’s in my DNA.  My mother has always gone all out for every holiday – yes, of course Christmas and Easter, but also Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, July 4^th,  – she has decorations and special foods for them all.  All those traditions were passed down to me, and I love them.  Celebrations make life happier. 

But as much as I normally love Christmas, this one is hard.  I am back home, but alone – minus one half.  I started to think about decorating for Christmas and I hesitated.  The thought of dragging the tree and several boxes of decorations down two flights of stairs by myself didn’t really seem appealing.   And then, to have to look through all the ornaments and think of all the memories attached to them -- some of the ornaments were just mine, some were just his, but most of them belonged to both of us.  We collected Christmas decorations over the years and we had fun putting them up together.   We had matching stockings too, which I made.  It was too much to think about, too many emotions.  It made me not want to decorate at all.  It made me want to cry instead.

But, I do love Christmas and I thought I should at least put in some effort.  So, I started to look for my decorations.  First, I found things that I bought on sale after Christmas last year.   These were decorations that I had never used; they were decorations for the new me.  Then, it hit me – I needed these new decorations and I needed new traditions, my own traditions. Instead of being sad, remembering what is no longer there, I needed to create new memories.  I used some of my old decorations, the ones that I really loved, but I repurposed and transformed them.  Instead of all the normal outside decorations, I added new ones.  I bought all sorts of different stars – big, little, paper, metal and papier-mâché -- and hung them from the front porch, providing a backdrop for my favorite angel.  On the back porch, I created a new wreath with antiqued bulbs.  But then, there was the tree.  I still could not bring myself to get the tree out.  When I went upstairs in the attic, I found a couple of mini-trees that we occasionally used.  Another new idea -- instead of having the old, big tree set up in the front room, I could have several smaller trees in different places in the house, with different themes.  So, I collected the three small trees that I already had, got a couple more at the store and put them in different rooms.  One is in the living room on a table and has all my Santa ornaments.  Another small one in the front room has the blown-glass ornaments (that I never put up normally because of the cats).  A third, an old-fashioned silver tree, I put in the dining room and it has my Grandma’s fragile handmade egg ornaments on it.  Now, when I look around the house, it does feel like Christmas, but it’s different.  This is new Christmas for new me.  And instead of feeling down, I feel joyful.   That doesn’t mean I won’t still be a little sad (and have been), but the new decorations and the new ideas inspired me and lifted me up.  Now, I look out on my porch and see stars.   I look at my new trees and it makes me look forward -- to Christmas and to my new life ahead.  Joy, Peace and Love.  Be Happy!  Enjoy Yourself!

Single Woman Checklist (with Wonder Woman Status)

Growing up in the 70s, you can be sure that my sister and I had Underoos – the underwear that’s fun to wear.  With Underoos, underwear was no longer boring – you could pretend to be Batgirl, Supergirl and the best of all, Wonder Woman.  Sometimes, you just danced around in your underwear, but if you had to put clothes on, you could still feel like a superhero with your Underoos underneath.  And FYI:  They now make these for adults, so you can still feel like a superhero under your clothes (or just dancing around in your underwear at home).  Sometimes you need that extra superhero confidence, that feeling that you are powerful and can do anything. 

This past year, I could have used a new pair of Underoos.  My life this past year or so has been heavy on transitions.  The biggest transition of course is becoming single after having been married for a long time.  But how does one “do” single? Do you get a discount card?  (Apparently not!)  I was single before, when I was in my 20s.  But now, I’m in my 40s and nearly everyone I know is married and/or has families.  I am single -- single single.  I don’t even have kids.  So it is just me now and it feels kind of odd.  Having been married for 16 years, I’m used to having “my person” there at home, my touchstone.  Not that I’m looking to get remarried right away, but I think we all need that touchstone person (or people), we need to check in with others, to make sure that someone knows we’re ok (or not), that someone knows we’re alive and happy (or not), someone to tell our weird stories to.

There are some benefits to being single though.  One of the nicest things about being single is that I don’t have to be accountable to anyone.  I go where I want, when I want, for as long as I want, without checking in or worrying about someone else worrying.  But, it is a little too much alone time, even for a serious introvert like me.   So, the most important thing I have learned to do is say yes.  I decided that anytime anyone suggests some sort of outing, I will always say, “Yes, I’d love to!”  When you are married, you always say, “Well, let me see.“  But now, if I don’t say yes, I will just end up at home, sitting alone, talking to cats.  So, you want to go to see the world’s largest cuckoo clock?  Why, yes, I’d love to!  

Other Benefits of being single:

1.     You can eat ice cream right out of the carton every time with absolutely no guilt.

2.     No one else “accidentally” eats your leftovers from the Mexican restaurant.

3.     You can eat popcorn for dinner and no one cares.

4.     When you go to the store, you can buy whatever you want and not worry about what someone else might think (no judging!).

5.     You get the whole bed!!!!! J

6.     You get to decide about every single show on TV with no compromises.

7.     You always get the last cookie.

Disadvantages of being single:

1.     You have to do everything yourself (this one really sucks!) – clean the house, do the dishes, mow the lawn, do the laundry, vacuum, take care of the cars, take care of the pets, go to the store, pay the bills . . . (and on and on and on).

2.     No one to talk to at home but animals (which might explain why one posts quite a bit on social media!)

3.     You cannot buy a whole bag of clementines and eat them before they shrivel up.

4.     You cannot easily use “buy one, get one free” coupons at dinner, unless you take a friend.

5.     Cooking for yourself leaves you with a lot of leftovers (lasagna – for the fifth time this week), so you just don’t do it.

6.     If you want to go out and do something with someone, you have to actually ask and convince someone to do it (whereas with a spouse, you can guilt them into it).

7.     You have to make all decisions yourself – good or bad, it all comes back to you.

But the worst of all -- If there is a dead animal, you must dispose of it yourself!!!!!! (Gag, shiver)

Over the last several months, I have done many empowering things to take back control of my life -- physically, emotionally, etc.  I feel like I have been doing really well at completing the single woman checklist.  I have bought a new car by myself, refinanced my house by myself, started some remodeling projects on my house, but those are small feats compared to what I did last week.  I am newly single, but have always been very independent and hate to ask for help -- I have always just done everything myself, and I can do many things competently. However, I always throw in the towel when it comes to dead animals. I cannot, WILL NOT, deal with dead animals. One time, my cat brought me a dead bat, but I was home alone. I thought I could take it to the trash. Nope. I just threw a newspaper over top of it and waited for then-spouse to get home. Well, last week, I had a big dead blue jay on the front porch -- it's like it was a test  -- the final test to get my official single woman credentials.   I left it out there for a day thinking it might disappear on its own. Nope. OK – there’s only me to do it. First, I consulted with Dad, who laughed (!), then pulled on some rubber gloves, grabbed multiple plastic bags, scooped up and finally disposed of said-dead-bird. Single woman checklist: Dead animal disposal -- complete!  

So, if there isn’t some sort of single woman discount card, I still want some sort of token to express my new status in life.  When you are married, you wear rings – this is the symbol, this is the clue to everyone else that you are married.  When you are single, what is your symbol?  Just not wearing wedding rings?  No.  I needed something more.  When I was out with my mother one time this fall, we found ourselves in a store that had a lot of fun costume jewelry.  My mom, who has a more flamboyant style than I, convinced me to buy an enormous ring.  If you know me, you know that I wear very little jewelry, but if I do, it’s pretty understated.  This ring is not at all modest, actually it’s kind of the opposite of the rings I used to wear, but something about it appealed to me.  It is massive (takes up a good portion of my finger) and has various colorful stones in an asymmetrical pattern.  This ring is unique and somehow when I put it on, I felt powerful.  In fact, I decided that it would be my superhero ring.  If I needed to feel powerful, I could put this on.  It’s like when I wore the Underoos when I was a kid.  Whether I’m making major life decisions or just cleaning up cat barf, the new me, the new single me, has made a change.  I do feel powerful, I feel in control.  I don’t always need to wear my new special ring or my Wonder Woman t-shirt (also an important token) to feel that way, but they are good reminders of who I am now.  I feel like I now have my single woman credentials and I can deal with anything else that comes my way.  Wonder Woman status achieved.