Kindness Still Matters: Truth and Healing

The more I tell the truth and the more I tell my story, I find that there are many people who have a similar story and have been through similar pain. Some of these people are people that I’ve known for years, but I just never knew what they had been through.   My openness about my life seems to draw those stories out.  And I have had a lot of deep, important conversations with people this last year because of it.  Sometimes I think I am probably over-sharing, but telling the truth has been a way for me to heal.   I spent so many years hiding my truth from my family and my friends and it was just destroying me.  Facing the truth and telling the truth have changed me and it has freed my soul from that pain.  Every day, I feel a little bit happier and healthier.  But there are a lot of other people living with hidden pain.  I am convinced more than ever that addiction and mental illness are our worst health issues today.  Unlike many illnesses, these affect whole families.  If you have family members with mental illnesses or addictions, life is often unpredictable and difficult, but especially when added to the holidays.

This year, for several weeks before Christmas, my church, along with another local church, had a community outreach program for families with someone in recovery.  It included a dinner and programming for the families.  These are families that have been torn apart by addictions and are working to get their lives and families back together.  As this is a topic close to my heart these days, I attended to see if I could help out in any way.  To my surprise, one of my own students was there with her family.  This particular student is one of my favorites this year.  She is so sweet, very quiet, but comes to talk to me frequently after class.  She draws pictures for me and even wrote me a beautiful thank you note for Thanksgiving.  But as much as I feel like I know this kid and have connected with her at school, I had no idea that she was dealing with the chaos and confusion that come with having an addict in the family.  That first night, I spent some time talking to her and her family, hoping that it wasn’t too awkward for her with me being there.  From my experience, I understand that you don’t really want people to know what craziness is going on in your life -- you keep lots of secrets. So, I spent time talking with others as well and trying to help the families with their craft projects.  That night, they were making Christmas trees out of wood and yarn and decorating them.   Before she left, my student came up to me and gave me her Christmas tree. She wanted me to have it and she gave me a hug. I was glad to know that she was OK with me being there.  And now that I know more of her truth, I am amazed even more with her ability to show kindness and generosity.

I have had a few times recently, on a couple of really bad days, when I was at the end of my rope, questioning why bad things were happening to me.  If nothing else good comes from me living through my own life’s chaos and confusion, at least maybe I have gained the empathy and kindness needed to understand people going through the same or similar situations.  Maybe this kid senses that in me and so we have made a connection. 

This Christmas, I am sending my positive thoughts and prayers to these families in recovery, because it is really easy for things to fall apart completely.   As I keep learning, you truly never know what someone is going through in his or her life because they may not tell you or show it.  But this is why kindness matters. 

Recovered Joy: Stars, Santas and Christmas Trees All Over

I am a complete optimist, always have been -- an extremely positive person.  When I was a little kid, I used to always say to people who seemed upset – “Don’t be sad.  Be Happy.  Enjoy Yourself." I always try to make the best out of a bad situation.  But I have to admit that the thought of Christmas coming this year was starting to get me down.  I imagined me sitting alone in my house, with a Christmas tree full of sad memories. I used to not believe that people could be sad on Christmas, but I get it now.  It’s hard to overcome the loss of people in your life.  And Christmas, with its many traditions, points out that loss even more.

But I love Christmas.  Actually, I love all holidays and I come by that love naturally – it’s in my DNA.  My mother has always gone all out for every holiday – yes, of course Christmas and Easter, but also Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, July 4^th,  – she has decorations and special foods for them all.  All those traditions were passed down to me, and I love them.  Celebrations make life happier. 

But as much as I normally love Christmas, this one is hard.  I am back home, but alone – minus one half.  I started to think about decorating for Christmas and I hesitated.  The thought of dragging the tree and several boxes of decorations down two flights of stairs by myself didn’t really seem appealing.   And then, to have to look through all the ornaments and think of all the memories attached to them -- some of the ornaments were just mine, some were just his, but most of them belonged to both of us.  We collected Christmas decorations over the years and we had fun putting them up together.   We had matching stockings too, which I made.  It was too much to think about, too many emotions.  It made me not want to decorate at all.  It made me want to cry instead.

But, I do love Christmas and I thought I should at least put in some effort.  So, I started to look for my decorations.  First, I found things that I bought on sale after Christmas last year.   These were decorations that I had never used; they were decorations for the new me.  Then, it hit me – I needed these new decorations and I needed new traditions, my own traditions. Instead of being sad, remembering what is no longer there, I needed to create new memories.  I used some of my old decorations, the ones that I really loved, but I repurposed and transformed them.  Instead of all the normal outside decorations, I added new ones.  I bought all sorts of different stars – big, little, paper, metal and papier-mâché -- and hung them from the front porch, providing a backdrop for my favorite angel.  On the back porch, I created a new wreath with antiqued bulbs.  But then, there was the tree.  I still could not bring myself to get the tree out.  When I went upstairs in the attic, I found a couple of mini-trees that we occasionally used.  Another new idea -- instead of having the old, big tree set up in the front room, I could have several smaller trees in different places in the house, with different themes.  So, I collected the three small trees that I already had, got a couple more at the store and put them in different rooms.  One is in the living room on a table and has all my Santa ornaments.  Another small one in the front room has the blown-glass ornaments (that I never put up normally because of the cats).  A third, an old-fashioned silver tree, I put in the dining room and it has my Grandma’s fragile handmade egg ornaments on it.  Now, when I look around the house, it does feel like Christmas, but it’s different.  This is new Christmas for new me.  And instead of feeling down, I feel joyful.   That doesn’t mean I won’t still be a little sad (and have been), but the new decorations and the new ideas inspired me and lifted me up.  Now, I look out on my porch and see stars.   I look at my new trees and it makes me look forward -- to Christmas and to my new life ahead.  Joy, Peace and Love.  Be Happy!  Enjoy Yourself!