This summer, my divorce was finalized after nearly a
year-long separation from my husband. This
was the end of a long-term relationship that I thought would be forever, but
life circumstances led to its sad demise.
And it was truly sad for me, but divorce is complicated and it can be a
relief, happy, sad and miserable all at the same time. At work, I had to fill out paperwork that was
entitled, “Major Life Event.” Yes, it
definitely was a major life event and it really got me to thinking about my
identity – who was I now?
One of the big decisions I needed to make was what name I was
going to use. Since I don’t have any
kids, it didn’t seem like it was necessary to keep my married name. So, I decided to use my maiden name again
(even though it is clearly difficult for anyone to pronounce, which I had
forgotten). After our court date,
when things were official, I spent a lot of time on the phone, online and sending mail to get back my identity.
I was going to be Juli Rauch again.
Sort of.
One of the other things that I have been doing this summer
is working with a personal trainer, whom I have worked with before, off and
on. She has known me for a while. After working together for several weeks, she
remarked to me that she could tell a difference in me this time, that I was
working harder and was more determined.
She told me, “Juli Rauch is different than Juli Porter was.” And I thought about that for a while. Yes, she is.
Juli Rauch was who I was for the first 27 years of my
life. Then, I was Juli Porter for 16
years. During that time, a
lot of things happened -- difficult, unhappy things, which ended up
changing who I was. I was living with
someone with an addiction, which, if you have never experienced it, is a pretty
hellish way to live. As the non-addict,
you spend a lot of time worrying about what disaster is going to happen next and trying to “manage” the catastrophes as they happen. It’s exhausting, stressful and anxiety-laden. On top of that, I received a surprise
diagnosis of breast cancer. So, my
already crisis-driven life became a true disaster.
To say that those experiences affected me is an understatement. But, what is surprising to me is that instead
of letting them pull me down and destroy me, I finally learned how to let go of
them, so that I could live a happy life.
Those experiences still remain with me just enough to remind me that I
am a strong person and I can handle anything.
Not much will be harder than what I’ve already experienced. What has changed in me is that I am so much
more thankful and happy for the people and experiences in my life. And I strive everyday to make life more
positive for others. I’ve been in the
unhappy places – they’re no place to be.
So, I kept thinking about being Juli Rauch again. But as much as Juli Rauch is different from
Juli Porter, the Juli Rauch of today is also different from who she was before. The new Juli Rauch feels light since she has known heavy burdens. She is joyful since she has known sorrow. Now, I feel like I am back to being authentically myself,
but I know that I am different too, new and improved – Juli Rauch 2.0.