Turning 50

 I’ve had a few people ask, “So, how are you feeling about turning 50?”

Nothing. Well maybe not nothing. But I’m not anxious about it. I’m not excited about it either. I’m content. I’m content that I have just finished a decade that included a whole lifetime of changes within ten years. And I’m content that I finished it on the positive side, healthy, happy and feeling like my authentic self. What I realized in the past decade was that there were all sorts of things out of my control but I needed to handle the things that were in my control in order to make my life what I wanted. 

More important than turning fifty, on June 11th, I get to say goodbye to my forties. I started my forties with a bang, a cancer diagnosis. I spent the first couple of years of my forties in surgery, in chemo, in radiation, on many trips to the James, recovering and thinking. So much time to think. It was long and scary but transformative. When you’ve faced true hardship (and death) in the eye, it’s startling, jolting. You can either crawl in a hole to hide or burst forth on a new path. I chose the latter. Sadly, my first marriage did not survive my forties. Thanks to all that time to think, I finally realized that you cannot love someone out of their self-destructive ways. I had tried for fifteen years. I also realized that even though you love someone, they can be toxic for your own life, and you have to cut them out for self-preservation. That was the hardest thing I have ever done, left someone I loved, who was in his own personal hell, in order to save myself. 

Then, midway through my forties, I forged ahead on my new path: transformation. I tried to be healthy. Thanks to a lot of extra time I was able to spend on myself, I created a routine for myself of exercise and healthy eating. My main goal was to be strong so that I could take care of myself. I also decided that I needed to overhaul the house I had been living in for sixteen years, so that she also could shine, and had my house (not completely, but many parts) renovated. And I decided that I could allow myself to have fun again. I reconnected with old friends and found new ones and we have had a gloriously fun time (until Covid . . . ) The last piece of the puzzle is that I found a new person to share my time. I found Jordan and he is just what I need. He is smart and sweet and always encourages me. He is funny and fun. We have a great time going out and trying new things and places together or just sitting on the couch watching tv. And most importantly, I can count on him. I am still surprised every time I ask him to do something and he actually does it, or even better, already anticipated it. (This is something I never had in my previous life). He is the best and he is a keeper. 

What do my fifties hold? I have absolutely no idea. But I do know that sometimes I will have to deal with hardship and sometimes I will have abundance. Yet, the most important thing that I have learned is not that you get to control what you are dealt in life, but that you do get to control how you react to it and how you are able to move on. I expect to keep moving on triumphantly through my fifties, no matter what happens. I will keep being kind to people. I will keep working on ticking off places on my bucket list. I will keep being a teacher for another decade (no more). And I will keep being content.  That’s more than enough for me. 

Unprecedented: Teaching in a Pandemic

 Once again this spring, I know a teacher who is leaving teaching — another great teacher is leaving teaching. It has become so common this year, I’m no longer surprised. And I can totally understand. For the first time in twenty-five years, I had that thought go through my own mind — what else can I do? I love teaching, but the past three years have been exhausting to be a teacher. I’m not sure non-teacher people understand why. We all went through the pandemic. We all had to adapt, right? But here’s the thing about teaching — it’s normally exhausting. It requires a large dose of different energies — physical energy throughout the daily teaching process, mental energy to plan and craft what to teach, reteach, and how to teach, and emotional energy to deal with all the young hearts and brains we encounter every day.

So, what is different now? Our energies are totally out of whack and totally spent. When the pandemic first hit, we had to completely change how we taught. For several months our mental energy was in overdrive trying to learn all sorts of new techniques and technologies so that we could reach our students. In year three, we are still learning and working on transforming our teaching to all these new ways so we can reach our students. Because of those changes, we are also physically doing twice the work, since we need to create lessons which are taught in person, as well as those taught online, if needed. And then there’s the emotional energy. If you are around any kids, you know that kids have been profoundly changed by the pandemic. They are broken. At the beginning of the pandemic, I wrongly thought that teenagers would be fine having school online since they spend so much time on there anyway. Nope. All the time alone, without real interaction or intervention, really hurt our kids emotionally. They are more immature and less able to cope with difficulties right now. And academically, they lost the knowledge of how to be students. They just won’t do assignments and don’t have the drive to succeed. I have never had to spend so much time coaxing so many students to just do normal assignments. Of course, the top students are still top students, but everyone else is flailing. Last week I had a student try to turn in an assignment from October. It’s currently the end of May. Our students are so different right now, teachers don’t even know how to help them. Our emotional energies are depleted too.

Today was the last day of school. My grading is complete, my classroom is clean, my school bag is ready to be put away for summer. I’m home on the couch, exhausted. I’m looking forward to recharging my batteries this summer by not doing much at all. I am not leaving teaching, but for those who are, best wishes in whatever you choose to do and thank you. I know you tried to do your best.